Yes, of course this is my baby. Thomas. He's a boy. Thomas is a boy's name. No, strange-smelling stranger, please don't touch his hand, it will end up in his mouth. No, same stranger, please, please, please don't handle his pacifier. I realize he is starting to fuss, but I'd rather you didn't put that pacifier your dirty looking hands have been touching into his mouth. Yeah, lots of people love babies. That's why our species have survived so well. Yes, he's going to cry. Alright, now I'll just pull the cart away from you and stop talking to you. Checker Lady and Bagger Gal will surely see that I'm finding myself in a rush, with a fussing baby and all, and will work to get me out of their store. Isn't that a part of their jobs?
Oh, apparently not. Yes, of course this is my baby. He's about four weeks old. Look, I'm moving my hands and talking at the same time, you can't do this? Yes, he is screaming. Yes, he is turning red. Yes, some babies spit up when they get screaming like this. Yes, those are my groceries that you haven't scanned yet, Checker Lady. No, you didn't scan my Fresh Values card yet. Oh Checker Lady, please hurry.
What's that, Bagger Gal? You don't mind it when new babies cry? Perhaps that's because you are not experiencing let down as this beautiful baby cries. You've heard if you touch a baby on the forehead it calms them? No, please don't demonstrate. Do you realize that as you demonstrate this touch (which is not working) that you cannot bag my groceries? I'm sure I'll have another one some day. Alright then, I'll put these in the bag myself. Alright, I'll load these bags into the cart myself. Oh, you think he must be wet or hungry? Wonderful diagnosis. You are a baby whisperer.
No, Checker Lady? You think he's just exercising his lungs?
Wet or hungry?
Exercising?
Wet or hungry?
Exercising?
Wet or hungry?
No, no. Don't argue. I'll solve this mystery as soon as I get home, a destination that seems to be getting further with each syllable you two utter.
Yes, I have paid. Yes, everything has been loaded. Yes, I will probably be back soon. Yes, we do live close. Yes, I will run you over to get out of here. Thank you for your help?
That's better.
